I've asked myself over and over again "Why am I doing this? Why is it all good for?" ... Just to ensure myself that the answer lies deep inside of me, saying it's all for showing myself I am confident enough and I want to encourage others too - I want to share my love for something and show it doesn't matter what gender, race, age or shape you are, you can still do it and you do belong into fashion world.
I've talked about confidence for many many times in different variations, but I think I never shared my story and my deep insecurities with you. It takes courage but I think it's important. PS: It's a bit long, but it's the conclusion of all the past I've had.
I grew up with my grandparents in a very small borough because my mom works abroad and I didn't want to move away from Estonia - at least at that time I didn't, I was too young. My grandparents are very very conservative and old-fashioned which meant I was put down in my opinions, thoughts, beliefs and views on life. I loved fashion and art since I was a very little girl but my grandparents had other values - practical and material things. I had to dress in quite blend outfits - nothing revealing, a sleeveless top or a dress was not an option, I had to be very very modest, couldn't wear any make-up or heels and skirts, I couldn't even pluck my eyebrows until I was in high school! I remember how I wanted to show my personality through clothing and when I was in middle school I carried make-up secretly with me, doing my eye-lashes before the classes .. or changed clothes - like put on a skirt instead of jeans or one day I even wore colorful knee-high stockings with shorts. Deep down I was a very very extravagant and extrovert girl but I had to hide it, hide it deep deep down. Since I also couldn't go out with friends and the biggest achievement was to go to an aerobics class with my friend at 8pm, I didn't have those teenage-years, at all. I was too afraid to do anything I liked because I was afraid, I'll get scorn at home. So, what I did was burry myself under destruction, despair and food. Yes, you heard me right. I turned to a very introvert person - I didn't communicate with anyone else than couple of my friends who knew my situation at home, I listened to my MP3 all the time and wrote short stories - to express my feelings and inner side, that girl who was happy and had fun experiences.
As I mentioned, food became my friend. It turned very very bad. I was a normal teenager, even a quite slim one, but then it all started - the addiction to food. It was like a black hole, endless circle - I ate everything in huge portions, it was just one big binge-eating and when I had money, I spent it on a pile of sweets that I secretly ate all at once. Not even noticing, the weight came and slowly I gained a lot of weight. That made me feel even worse about myself. I wanted to be beautiful and confident like the other girls in my class but I couldn't. Even a slight look in the mirror made me cry. I was disgusted. And I couldn't stop! I tried, I acted as if everything was perfectly fine but no one really knew about it. At some point in the end of middle school - start of high school I started doing some work out, like some jogging etc but I could diet only a week and then I fell back into that deep black hole again .. And that's how it was like - a week of diet, a week of uncontrollable binging. What made things worse was that I fought with my best friend a lot, she changed and in the end she dropped out of school and I was alone - with all the darkness of myself and the bullying by others in school.
What did made things better was that I was a straight-A student - all due to my inner wish to always succeed, not letting myself fail in another part of my life and of course my grandparents were very proud of me. They didn't know how sad I was, they just saw good grades and a satisfying life ahead of me.
I don't know where would I have got, if a savior wouldn't have come to my life - Rauno, who I met a year before the senior year. He lived in the other side of Estonia so we couldn't meet at all, but we talked in the Internet, in phones and he became my best friend, like the other half of me. He always understood, sometimes he even noticed my worries before I had got to say anything. He just knew it all, right by hearing my voice. We were unseparable, understanding each other's worries and we are unseparable ever since - now living in the same town and being together every day. He has helped me overcome most of my past issues, has changed me a lot more confident and made me believe in myself - which is the reason of my blog. I want to make you believe in yourself. Even if from time to time I crumble now, not having overcome all the insecurities, he is right there to show me, it's not that bad. It's just the inner dark bogeys we have created for ourselves. It's not real & it's NOT you.
I am still fighting with my eating habits, slowly having left behind all of the past and forgot the eating disorder. Now I'm much healthier and happier - I can live for myself, do what I like with myself and dress as I wish. What is past, is past and it can only make me stronger. So does it work in your case! Whatever it is, there is no possibility of NOT fixing it. Whatever is broken can be fixed. Just look in the mirror and find that shine in you. Find the light, the beauty. Find what you love and do it. Be happy. Stop looking in the past or the future, live for the moment, one day at the time. You don't want to spend your years thinking about what has happened or what will happen, because you will let the present get away! Don't do it! Make the best out of present. That's why it's called the present - it's a gift of life.
I sincerely hope that this rambling was not annoying and you had the time and will to read it through. Just know - I am always there for you. If you have any problems, whether they are at home, school, personal life or issues with your inner side - don't hesitate to write to me. I'm more than happy to listen you and be there for you.
I love you all for being in my blog, supporting what I do and every single day I see your comments, you brighten up my day. Thanks to you I know it's the right thing. Thank you <3
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